Amboy, Illinois

Sometimes I miss my old life. I miss being little and the everyone knows everyone vibe you get from living in an extremely small town. The town I group up in is Amboy. When I was a child it felt like there was so much to do even though the only thing Amboy had to offer was a pharmacy, a bar, a few restaurants, and a bank. All the neighborhood kids would run around playing with eachother, climbing trees, and going on long walks. I feel like I belong in a small town. I'm more comfortable and it feels more like home. I've made several great friends here in Sterling but everything is so much different here. There's more cliques and drama in my opinion. Social gatherings are more likely to end up in a fight and girls ain't shit but hoes and tricks. In Amboy everything seemed so much easier. You didn't have to worry about what kind of car you drove or what kind of house you lived in. No one cared. They based their opinion of you not based on material things but on how you act and socialize with others. If one person doesn't like you here then you have a whole group of people who don't like you but in Amboy if someone doesn't like you then you have others telling that person that they're stupid and to get over it. Sure it's not perfect and can be really boring at times but I miss it terribly. I'm sure every town has its share of drama but I can't help but feel that everything seems ten times worse in Sterling. There's no room for error here. You make one mistake and that's what you're remembered by forever. That's the problem here. People aren't friendly. They care too much what others think and quite frankly I'm sick of living under a shell and being too afraid to be myself. It surprises me how many mean and rude people are concentrated in one area. Maybe it's not that. Maybe it start with one person. You see someone be a complete bitch to someone so you think it's okay. You see someone make a rude comment about someone appearance which causes you to change your opinion about it to. We are all too easily influenced here. In Amboy you could wear sweats every single day and throw your hair on top of your head and no one would say anything. People have more respect for you there. They're all a bunch of rednecks (the good kind) and they just don't care about anything but having fun and being happy! I miss bonfires and going in old barns. I miss walking to dance class and sunday school because I lived only a couple blocks away from the important things. Everything was within reach and everything seemed more carefree. Why can't this town be like that?!

How Rude!

Sometimes I wonder why guys can be so degrading. They look at girls like they're a piece of meat. I found out that guys are very fond of yoga pants. How I found this out is that I am a strong believer in yoga pants so therefore I wear them often. When you get texts in the middle of the day saying, "HOLY YOGA PANTS!" that's when you know that guys are staring at your ass. No, I do not wear them just so I can have some creepy as little boy stare at my butt in the hallways. Sure it can be flattering at times coming from the right person but when it's someone that you have never spoken to before in your life that points it out, then it's kinda weird. Just the other day I was hanging out with a boy and we were laying down watching a movie and he kept grabbing my ass. I didn't want to be rude but I do have some respect for myself so I turned around and shook my head in disappointment. I just personally feel like that is so disrespectful and it makes me kind of feel self concious. Like what if it's not toned enough for him or what if it's not round enough. Anyways it doesn't really matter. I don't really understand the fascination with girls asses. If you actually see a bare butt I personally think it's not attractive at all. If I had a nickel for everytime I caught a guy staring at mine or my friend's ass I would be a billionaire. I guess it's really not that big of a deal but sometimes it just gets kinda creepy and disrespectful. I don't want to be known for my back side. I want to be known as a nice girl with a good personality. Is that so much to ask? I'm not saying that toned butt isn't important because I definitely think it is. I wear my mom's tone ups when I go running and walking sometimes because I want it to be more toned but it's just that I think boys base their opinions about girls too much on how hot they think their body is or how easy they think she is. Good for you if you have a girlfriend with a nice ass but good luck trying to have an intellectual conversation with her when all you're constantly thinking about is seeing her naked. I'm sure it'll be fun for a couple months but after that you'll get bored and move on to some other "fine piece of ass."

I Can't Take this Anymore!

There are so many emotions that come along with this week. I'm happy that i'm finally a senior, but it's sad knowing that everything is going to be over soon. I want to get away from all the drama that comes along with highschool. I've never felt more depressed than ever. I've never felt so singled out and alone. I've come to realize that I only have one real friend. I lay awake at night shaking  sobbing. I've come to realize that the boys at my school are almost all assholes. They want one thing and expect me to just hand it over. No! That's the real reason why all this sadness overcomes me. I look around my room and think of ways to end this feeling. I see hooks on my ceiling, the top of my closet seems pretty supportive.. I don't really know why. this isn't like me. I don't want to be that girl. The one that people worry about. But then I think more about it and it seems like I won't be missed. I roll around on my matress and just put my face in my pillow. I cry so hard and just hug my pillow tighter. It's too late to call my friend. I don't want to be a bother. why should I make my life someone elses problems. I don't want pity from people, I just want real people to surround me. I'm tired of being hated for one mistake i made. I want everyone to forget that incident and most importantly me. I want to get away and never see anyone from Sterling, Illinois again. I want a clean slate. I want to start over. Right now, I feel more selfish than ever. I want, I want I want.. but maybe i need to be selfish because if no one else cares then why shouldn't i be?

I'm My Biggest Critic

I'm constantly criticizing everything I do. It's like I'm not good enough for anyone or anything I do. Someone is always better than me at something. I'm never the best. I always feel so self concious. It's like someone is always judging me. I'm worried that there are people that are more worried with my life than I am. It isn't fair. I don't do anything to deserve this harshness from myself or any one else. I constantly let people walk all over me. I just want to please others and put my happiness aside. While everyone is judging me and starting rumors or spreading secrets, they don't stop to think that I  might be hurt by everything they are saying. I'm infamous for being a "slut." Some people exaggerate things and others just need to mind their own business. What I do with my life should not concern anyone else. I'm harder on myself because sometimes I feel like I have to be to live up to others expectations. People overlook the good in me and only seem to notice my flaws. I know, I'm just like any other teenage girl. Waaa, my life is just so terrible, right? Well sometimes it feels like it is.